Week 13 Power Rankings
This week, The Simpsons are taking over Monday Night Football.
Which means it’s not just Joe Burrow facing off against the Cowboys—it’s Bart squaring off against Homer while Marge and Lisa watch from the sidelines. And yes, Maggie is piloting the SkyCam. If you’re interested, you can catch this alternate telecast on ESPN2.
So, in honor of The Simpsons, I bring you another colorful cast of very animated characters—a neighborhood of delightfully terrible fantasy football players.
It’s… The Simpletons…
[Cue heavenly chorus]
Da-duh-duh-da-duh-duh-duh. Da-duh-duh-duh-duuuuh!
As the clouds part, we descend into the bustling chaos of the Worst League—a town where fantasy football is a way of life. In this long-running series, the characters are familiar, but their fortunes shift unpredictably, much like Bart’s latest report card.
At the heart of town is Jess, the Marge Simpson of our Springfield. Always the steady presence, Jess towers over the Worst League this year like Marge’s iconic blue hair. Keeping pace with her is Samantha, our Lisa Simpson. Smart, calculated, and quietly dominant, Samantha expertly orchestrates her lineup like a smooth saxophone solo on her way to another shot at glory.
Not all is sunshine in Springfield. Like Homer, Brandon is having a season straight out of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Leading the league with four titles, he’s used to success, but this year, it’s all “D’oh!” Meanwhile, from the retirement castle, Alex channels Grampa Simpson, grumbling as he oversees the league. His team may not be flashy, but it’s dependable and steeped in old-school grit.
Beth Ann is the seasoned pro of the league, much like Krusty the Clown. A former champ, she doesn’t rely on flashy moves or constant tinkering, but her steady lineup of stars always keeps her in the mix. Like Krusty’s long-running show, Beth Ann knows how to turn any season into a hit.
Over at the elementary school, Geoff is our Ralph Wiggum. In a league dominated by RB-heavy rosters, Geoff’s WR-centric team is delightfully offbeat, unpredictable, and occasionally brilliant. Across town, Chelsie is Bart Simpson, boldly starting two TEs and keeping the league lively with her fearless, outside-the-box decisions. But after Christian McCaffrey’s injury derailed her season, she’s been left scrawling a new lesson on the chalkboard: “I WILL NOT DRAFT CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY. I WILL NOT DRAFT CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY.”
High above Springfield in his mansion, Gray reigns as Mr. Burns—historically the league’s winningest team owner. But this season, injuries have crumbled his empire. Not even the hounds can salvage this one. Meanwhile, Greco looms as Nelson Muntz. Typically the league’s bully, capable of pulverizing opponents with ease, she’s been slowed by injury this year. Still, that “Ha-ha!” energy is ready to bounce back next season.
And hi-diddly-ho, neighbor! It’s Josh. Or should I say Ned Flanders? The nicest guy you’ve ever met has been blessed this year with a heaping dose of good luck. Led by the delightfully wholesome-sounding “Bucky” Irving, Josh’s unwavering optimism has manifested itself into a playoff berth. Meanwhile, Erik is living a Milhouse-level nightmare. Last year’s champ is experiencing that socially awkward feeling when you win a championship and then immediately fall flat on your face the next season. Yup, everything’s coming up Stark! And finally, Kelly, the baby of the league, is Springfield’s Maggie Simpson. As the league’s newcomer, her season has been one long learning curve. But you know this is only the beginning and she won’t be pacified for long.
As the camera pulls back to reveal the full chaos of the Worst League, the faint cry of “D’oh!” echoes in the distance. The playoffs loom large, and our cast of characters scramble for their spot on the couch before the opening credits finish. Who will rise, who will fall, and who will be left eating Homer’s donut crumbs? Stay tuned.
Jess maintains a narrow lead over Samantha in this week’s Power Rankings.
With one week left in the regular season, parity continues to reign.
Jess leads the Power Rankings for the eighth time this season, but her TW% of .622 would be the lowest ever for a top team in the final rankings. Last year, Gray set the record with a .636 TW%, and most seasons, the top team easily clears .700. This year, though, the results of Week 14 could still shake things up with Samantha, Alex, Beth Ann, or even Geoff still in the mix for the top spot.
As we head into the playoffs, the top five teams are playoff-bound. The only outlier appears to be Josh, who, sitting in ninth, is poised to sneak into the postseason. Meanwhile, Brandon, currently in sixth, will miss the playoffs. Don’t think I’m not bitter about it. 😖
With that, let’s turn to the Playoff Picture!
The playoffs are set—Samantha, Jess, Geoff, Beth Ann, Josh and Alex are playoff bound.
We’re officially locked and loaded for the postseason!
With losses by Gray and Chelsie dropping them to 6-7, only one seven-win team remains: Alex. Thanks to his massive points lead—over 150 ahead of both Gray and Chelsie—Alex is essentially a lock for the playoffs. Even if he loses in Week 14, he’ll easily secure the tiebreaker.
As for the coveted byes, Samantha has one locked up with her league-best 10 wins. Jess, despite a chance of being caught in wins by Geoff, Beth Ann, or Josh, leads all of them by at least 80 points, securing the second bye as well.
(You’ll notice I didn’t give them the checkmarks in the Playoff Picture graphic, because technically someone could score 300 points, I guess. But for all intents and purposes, we are locked.)
This means Week 14 is, for the first time in recent memory, essentially meaningless for playoff implications. Since I’ve been tracking this on the website (or at least since 2017), this is the first time the playoff field has been completely set heading into the final week. Compare that to last year, when two spots were still up for grabs at this stage.
With no playoff drama to dissect, it feels fitting to turn the spotlight to the eliminated teams. Let’s bid them farewell with a little autopsy to see what went oh so wrong.
Since his last title in 2020, Brandon has gone 24-31 over the past four seasons. Not great. But that stat is a bit deceptive. He’s been unlucky. Over the last two seasons, he finished first and second in the final Power Rankings, despite managing just seven wins each year. This year, he’s poised to miss the playoffs again despite ranking in the top half of the league. His bad luck hasn’t been historic, but it does land him in the 92nd percentile for bad luck in league history, including a career-worst five-game losing streak. Surely, next year his luck has to change… right?!
After starting 6-4 with a 77% chance to make the playoffs in Week 10, Chelsie’s season unraveled with three straight losses to Alex, Brandon, and Geoff, eliminating her from contention. Things looked promising early, especially after Josh passed on Christian McCaffrey. But McCaffrey’s injury, coupled with Davante Adams’ absence, made it hard to keep pace. Drafting Brock Bowers in the 10th round was a stroke of genius and created the memorable Bash Brothers lineup with George Kittle. But she’ll miss the playoffs for the second straight year despite this season marking a clear improvement from last year.
Gray’s team had the potential to be one of the league’s all-time greats. A trio of Tyreek Hill, Cooper Kupp, and Rashee Rice could have gone down in history, but injuries derailed his season. Tua Tagovailoa’s injury slowed Hill, Kupp missed several weeks, and Rice was lost for the year. Despite the setbacks, Derrick Henry kept Gray in the mix longer than expected. Gray has only had two seasons below .500 in TW% in his career; this year could mark just his third—and his first since 2021. A rare miss for a team owner who is typically the league’s Mr. Burns.
For Erik, the season went off the rails early thanks to a disastrous draft. Selecting Travis Etienne, Sam LaPorta, and Amari Cooper in key rounds proved costly as all three underperformed. Erik started 1-4, and through the first eight weeks, he finished in the top half of scoring just twice. One year after winning it all, his championship defense ended with a whimper. This will be Erik’s worst season since 2019 when he went 2-11. The good news? His picture hangs forever in the Hall of Champions.
Aside from a Week 3 weekly prize, there wasn’t much to celebrate for Greco this year. Malik Nabers started strong but faded, and Puka Nacua’s injury sidelined him until Week 8, by which point Greco was already 2-5 and on the brink of elimination. After making the playoffs last year, she’ll miss them this time, but her .441 TW% shows this isn’t her worst team ever (a few 10-loss seasons take that honor). Maybe this year is karma for her Georgia Bulldogs’ dominance over the Texas Longhorns. You can’t win everything, right?
Kelly endured one of the roughest rookie seasons the league has ever seen. She finished with the lowest score in the league in six of the first eight weeks, effectively ending her season before it really began. A reliance on Chicago Bears (Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze) proved costly. Tank Dell’s sophomore slump, a slow start for Bijan Robinson, and Brandon Aiyuk’s nightmare year compounded her struggles. Aside from David Montgomery, nothing went right. But all is not lost—just ask former champs like Jess, Erik, or Beth Ann, who all started their league careers with losing seasons but eventually claimed titles. Hang in there, Kelly—the best is yet to come.
So, as the clouds part once more over the Worst League, take a moment to savor the calm before the playoff storm. Week 14 is the sprinkle donut in this chaotic fantasy season.
And to that, we say: eat my shorts!
