Top 84 Team Names in League History
Fantasy football is officially here!
The season, which has already started in earnest with Thursday's Falcons-Eagles game, shifts into high gear this weekend with a full slat of games. Hopefully, you've done the proper prep work. You've drafted a team. You've read all 23,061 words dedicated to previewing the seasons of each of the league's 12 members. Maybe, if you're Geoff or Alex, you've spent the last few days either stressing or delighting in the fact that Le'Veon Bell might never play a game for the Steelers this season.
But there's one important thing every skilled fantasy owner must do before the season to ensure success. And that is... come up with a funny team name!
Look, I'm not saying you can't win without one. But, in five of seven years (71%!!!), the team that won the championship came up with a new name for their team at the beginning of the season. So to help spur some creative thought, I'm ranking the top 84 team names (yes, that's all of them) in league history.
Let's get to it!
84. Nick (Nick, 2014)
83. Greco (Greco, 2014)
82. Nick (Nick, 2013)
81. Greco (Greco, 2013)
80. Erik (Erik, 2013)
79. Adan (Adan, 2013)
Look, your parents gave you your name. You don't get credit for coming up with that one. So when it comes to your fantasy team, at least be more original than plagiarizing your birth certificate. Nick and Greco get the last-place ranking because they were repeat offenders in 2014.
78. ? Nick? (Nick, 2015)
Okay, this is slightly—and I do mean slightly—more creative. He did use question marks. As if to say, I'm Ron Burgundy???
77. Kegel the FF Team (Greco, 2012)
76. Gilmore Gurley GURLS (Greco, 2017)
75. HBO’s Drew Detective (Erik, 2017)
74. HBO’s Drew Detective (Erik, 2016)
73. HBO’s Drew Detective (Erik, 2015)
72. Como Se DICE (Geoff, 2017)
71. Como Se DICE (Geoff, 2016)
70. Como se DICE (Geoff, 2012)
69. The Jordy’s Out (Jess, 2016)
68. Romosexual Dezbians (JT, 2017)
67. Romosexual Dezbians (JT, 2016)
66. Sex By Surprise (JT, 2012)
65. ? Nick? (Nick, 2016)
64. Polamalu’s Curly Pubes (Nick, 2012)
63. Terryn it UP! (Terryn, 2017)
62. Terryn it UP! (Terryn, 2016)
61. Terryn it UP! (Terryn, 2015)
60. Terryn it UP! (Terryn, 2014)
59. No Suh For You (Trevor, 2016)
Speaking of repeat offenders, these 19 team names, sorted in alphabetical order by team owner, were all used on two, three, four and in some cases five occasions. Terryn it UP! holds the record as it was used from 2013 until Terryn's departure from the league this season. I do have to give props to Geoff who returned to Como Se Dice after a three-year hiatus, but refreshed it by capitalizing "Se." Subtle but classic much like the Pepsi logo refresh from 2009.
58. Sex By Surprise (JT, 2011)
57. Just The Tip (Josh, 2014)
56. Cunt Punt (JT, 2014)
55. Big BIG Vick (Adan, 2012)
54. Suck my Vick (Jackie, 2011)
53. Kiss This (Trevor, 2013)
This next crop were no doubt written by your fellow team owners' primitive lizard brains. You see, Vick rhymes with... well, you know. And also, I love how Adan took over Jackie's team in 2012, but decided he'd roll with the Vick theme, but make it way better by including the word "big," not once but twice. Then make the second "big" CAPITALIZED. Pure genius guys.
52. Como se DICE (Geoff, 2011)
51. Dice Bucket Challenge (Geoff, 2014)
50. slice n DICE (Geoff, 2015)
49. Terryn it UP! (Terryn, 2013)
Okay, now we're finally breaking into some decent names. These are all puns based on the team owner's first or last name, also known as the Geoff special. Though my favorite is probably Terryn it UP! because it's kinda menacing as is slice n Dice, though the latter kinda sounds like something you'd buy on the Home Shopping Network late at night.
48. Cory F-ing Matthews (Gray, 2012)
47. Patty F-ing Mayonnaise (Gray, 2011)
46. Chalupa Batman MacArthur (Geoff, 2013)
45. Kegel the FF Team (Greco, 2011)
Remember in middle school when the best way to be funny was to just repeat one-liners from Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore? (O'Doyle rules!) Well, that's kinda what these names are like. But in this case we've got Boy Meets World, Doug and two references to The League. What was the deal with the "F-ing," Gray? I feel like I'm missing an inside joke here.
44. OMAHA ! (Alex, 2014)
43. Honey Badger (Brandon, 2011)
42. McKayla is Not Impressed (Alex, 2012)
41. Eastin’s Kid (Gray, 2013)
Some classic memes here. Remember when that guy made that Honey Badger video? That was funny. Maybe I'll just name my team after it. Good times. Good times. Also, I think McKayla Maroney would not be impressed with McKayla is Not Impressed as a fantasy team name. Eastin's Kid? Again with the inside jokes. Was this one just that some kid from a Volkswagen commercial looked like Professor Eastin?
40. Polamalu’s Curly Pubes (Nick, 2011)
39. Golden Taint (Nick, 2017)
38. Romosexual Dezbians (JT, 2015)
Okay, now we're getting to the bread and butter of fantasy team names—using player names to create a play-on-words with some well known expression or pop cultural reference. These ones rank near the bottom of the barrel because... lizard brains. Though I do wonder how curly Troy Polamalu's pubic hairs actually are. Or what if they're not curly at all? What if, in some sort of weird twist, they're really straight because all the curliness went to the hair on his head? Wait, what was I talking about...
37. Wanted: Quarter(s)Back (Jess, 2013)
Resident league dad, Geoff, would be proud of this dad joke. Get it? Quarterback. Quarters back. Bueller... Bueller... Anyone still reading this?
36. With RICE and Beans (Trevor, 2012)
35. You CAM Do It (Terryn, 2012)
34. Muscle Wilson (Josh, 2016)
33. It’s a me! MARIOta! (Alex, 2017)
32. MendenHall of Fame (Terryn, 2011)
31. The Jordy’s Out (Jess, 2015)
We're getting a little warmer here. Got some nice player-name puns. But they're a littttttle obvious for my taste. Typically, you want something that sounds like the player's name. But Ray Rice's name is Rice. So With RICE and Beans is a bit on the nose, don't you think? Also, the all caps feels like someone elbowing me in my side saying, "Get it?" Wanted to like The Jordy's Out more, but that's kind of a weird expression to name your fantasy team after. Would have been funnier if Jordy Nelson were on trial for murder à la Aaron Hernandez. Though probably not to Jordy, I guess.
30. C Dix Bush, HYDE! Ha Ha (Jess, 2014)
29. HBO’s Drew Detective (Erik, 2014)
28. Gilmore Gurley GURLS (Greco, 2016)
On the flip side, these ones tried a little too hard. C Dix Bush, HYDE! Ha Ha has a lot of names in it, but it feels like someone put a list of player names in a shotgun and fired it at me. I like Drew Detective, but I think it would have been fine without "HBO" in there. Same with Gilmore Gurley GURLS, which might have been better as Gilmore Gurleys. Though Lorelai, Rory and the other residents of Stars Hollow have never been short on words.
27. Fantasy Beasts (Brandon, 2016)
26. House of Yards (Brandon, 2014)
25. Dallas Cowboys And Aliens (Erik, 2011)
24. The Monday Night’s Watch (Jess, 2017)
Some funny football-related puns here that reference popular TV shows or movies. My favorite is The Monday Night's Watch. While I love these names, I always find them a little less surprising and fun than the ones that involve specific player names, so they rank just outside the top-20.
23. Breaking Brady (Erik, 2012)
22. The Walking Fred (Brandon, 2012)
21. Better Call Jamaal (Brandon, 2015)
20. GORE DOGS (Gray, 2016)
A trio of AMC-themed names here. The wordplays fall a little flat to be near the top of the rankings. Brady for bad. Fred for dead. Jamaal for Saul. Gore for war. They just don't surprise in the way that a good fantasy team name should. They're fine. But we, friends, are discerning fantasy football team name sophisticates. And we deserve nothing but the best. So let's keep digging.
19. Tyrannt Mathieu (Gray, 2014)
18. No Suh For You (Trevor, 2015)
Okay, now we're getting inside the top-20! I liked Tyrannt Mathieu and especially No Suh for You. But they rank a little lower for me because Tyrant was a little-watched show on FX while the Seinfeld reference is not exactly the freshest. Also, they both reference defensive players, which for better or worse are not really valued in fantasy. But I'm splitting hairs here. Still good names.
17. Autodraft All-Stars (JT, 2013)
16. Underachieving Disappointments (Trevor, 2011)
15. Plaxidental Shooting (Jess, 2011)
14. Plaxidental Trades (Jess, 2012)
Sometimes it's not about a clever wordplay at all. Sometimes the best team names are based in good 'ole self-deprecation. And there's just something I love about naming your own team Underachieving Disappointments. I believe this was also a change Trevor made midseason, which makes it all the more hilarious. Also, gotta love Plaxidental Trades (which was recapped extensively in Jess's draft preview) because she made fun of her own terrible trade one season later.
13. Paxstreet Boys (Alex, 2016)
12. Geno 911! (Josh, 2017)
Two more funny ones. I think Geno Smith would have fit right in on Reno 911! The fact that he got sucker punched by a teammate after refusing to pay back a $600 debt feels like a storyline from that show. Again splitting hairs here, but Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith were lesser players that were not really on the fantasy radar. I get it. Sometimes that perfect rhyming name is an also-ran. But it's just a little bit better when they're a relevant player. These ones were not, so they're outside my top-10.
11. Griffindor . (Trevor, 2014)
10. RG3 - PO (Alex, 2013)
Two RG3-themed ones bring us to the top-10. I swear Griffindor was so subtle that I didn't fully realize what it was until I took note of the team logo, which is terrific. (Oh, like Gryffindor! Duh.) And it just goes to show that a team name can really be taken to the next level with an accompanying team logo. The Griffindor image is great, but the RG3-PO one is an even better (if borrowed from the Internet) Photoshop job. Plus RG3-PO just rolls off the tongue better so it makes the top-10.
9. Gurley Meets World (Gray, 2015)
Gray's second Boy Meets World-themed named, but clearly the superior of the two. This one does the girl/Gurley wordplay better than Gilmore Gurley GURLS. It was topical given the reboot of the show as a spinoff called Girl Meets World (anyone know if it was any good?), which made perfect sense given that this was Gurley's rookie season. And it came with a custom Photoshop job. Nice job, Gray.
8. Dunkirk Cousins (Gray, 2017)
Another entry from Gray, this one from just last season. Looking at it now, it kinda looks like a movie about Cousins' last foray with the Redskins before being driven out of town and into free agency. I love this one. It's another topical one given the release of Dunkirk in July of 2017 and was so obviously ripe for parody given that Kirk's first name is right there in the title. I only downgrade it slightly because it is so obvious.
7. Jurassic Parkey (Josh, 2015)
Yes, I know Cody Parkey was just a kicker. But I don't care. Sometimes the best team names are so stupid they're great. And the Photoshop job here is absolutely magnificent. Could Josh have simply scaled the photo of Parkey's face to completely cover the T-Rex's head? Sure. But he chose instead to use Parkey's face as a stamp to create some sort of three-headed Cerberus dinosaur. And that was quite obviously the right choice. Also, there appears to be a cursor in the lower-middle part of the image beneath the car, which indicates this image might not have even been properly exported, but instead taken as a screenshot. Which is awesome. It reminds me of those early P1 days when Josh and I painstakingly cut out blades of grass for a Husqvarna lawnmower print ad. Awful. And yet terrific, terrific, terrific.
6. Full Hauschka (Alex, 2015)
Maybe kickers have the best names? Another kicker. Another reboot of a classic franchise. This time, it's Full House, which was announced in 2015 that it would be rebooted on Netflix as Fuller House. Solid Photoshop job, though not better than Jurrasic Parkey. Still, it gets the nod over Parkey because of the slant rhyme. Hauschka for "house" is a little more satisfying and surprising than more obvious, nursery rhyme substitutions like Parkey for "Park," Kirk for "Dunkirk" and Gurley for "Girl" that come before it in this list. If only Hauschka had played for the 49ers, it would have been perfect.
5. Rick and Jordy (Brandon, 2017)
Of all my team names over the years, this one was probably the most well-received. That's probably due to a confluence of factors. It's a beloved pop cultural reference in Rick and Morty, a relevant fantasy player in Jordy Nelson, and the cherry on top—a team logo featuring Rick and Jordy running for their lives from a cast of angry creatures from across the multiverse. Of course, Rick and Jordy would soon run away with the championship later that season. Was the team name ultimately responsible? Who can say? But hidden in the photo above, if you really squint, is Alvin Kamara. Coincidence?
4. BREES NUTS 2016 (Greco, 2015)
We live in highly divisive times. That's why there's nothing like a good political-themed fantasy team name to bring us all together. Enter Brees Nuts 2016! Greco's 2015 team was of course a reference to short-lived presidential candidate Brady C. Olson, better known as Deez Nuts. Unfortunately, like Deez Nuts, Greco's bid for the top spot came up well short. (Got eem!) Still, it was fresh and unexpected (like Deez Nuts) and thus breezes into the top-4 of our rankings.
3. Women’s Routes Activists (Trevor, 2017)
Another political one, of sorts. This one was actually a midseason name change, which goes to show that it's never too late to come up with your fantasy team name. After an October press conference in which Cam Newton responded to a reporter's question by saying "it's funny to hear a female talk about routes," Trevor renamed his team Women's Routes Activists. Topical, funny and rightfully skewering Newton's boneheaded comment, it's a fantasy team name worthy of the #MeToo era. I liked it so much I immediately created a team logo for it, but Trevor never used it. Whatever. I'm still posting it here.
2. Orange Is The New Blackmon (Brandon, 2013)
Yes, I'm ranking one of my own team names #2. Deal with it. I've always liked this one because it works on a couple of levels. Not only it is a play on Justin Blackmon's name and Orange Is The New Black, which had just debuted in 2013, but the team logo makes use of Blackmon's actual mugshot following his second arrest for DUI. I mean, come on. It's perfect. In my mind, there's only one team name that's better...
1. Orton Hears A Boo (Alex, 2011)
This is my favorite team name of all-time. It's one of Alex's from way back in 2011. It makes reference to then Broncos QB Kyle Orton. But it's my favorite because it's got a double wordplay, replacing both "Horton" and "Who" in Dr. Seuss's Horton Hears a Who! So it gets double points for me. Plus, it was not only clever, but accurate and prophetic as Orton would start the season 1-4, before being replaced by none other than Tim Tebow. Yes, Alex stole the idea for the name from a comic strip, pictured above. But all creativity is stealing. And he made it better. So Orton Hears a Boo takes the top spot in my rankings.
That's it and that's all for seasons past. There's still time to update your team for this year. We already have some great ones including Riversdale, This Is DemaryiUs, In My Thielens, Daks Out for Harambe, Average Jeff and Kaeper Kneek. So if you haven't created a new one yet, what are you waiting for? Can't wait to see what everyone comes up with.
